theosis lesson 1: a sauna in Saaremaa

That morning, we sort of randomly arose as we pleased, the faint traces of smoke from the fire looming over our tiny cabins in the middle of nowhere.

10 or so, I think. Starting to fade out a bit, y’know.

I was an idiot for never wearing pants, haha; American with your shorts, may the critters bring you imported encephalitis! I scratched, slapped and fought ‘em- eventually they had mercy on me and my fake camoflauge shorts. Never again.

We let the sauna heat up as we stripped naked, going starkers in the morning sun. The guys drank a Saku  and I probably sipped some instant coffee as we heard the rustling of a wedding party getting ready in the distance.

I’m a bit bigger than everyone else, but no one says anything. I feel good, I felt comfy with that towel around me.

Sauna, ten minutes. Beer, two. Sauna, ten, air, five, beer, two. Et cetera.

I never stare.

In that heat, all you can do is simply look down and let it all evade you like a forgotten memory, almost gone but needing a little push.

I felt like all my tangible fears left that day.

I felt like it was the first step in attaining theosis, a term I would learn about two years later.

I had myself without a desire to sin and with a desire to be a man- a good, conscious, caring man.

If only a little bit sweaty in the morning, heh.

Oh, yeah.

Naky too.

ex-mural

Coming outside and watching the scene, we see this old mural on a wall.

It screams history like a banshee and tells of its former glory days.

Its paint peels like sun-dried skin, half-fallen, half-hanging on.

Soila, d’you know Russian? What’s it say?

She says, something by Lenin,

buried under a giant sea,

buried under a giant sea,

buried under a giant sea,

buried under a giant pea.

 

The soldier looks mighty yet invisible.

Maybe ‘cos we can’t picture his robotic soul ever being in such a beautiful place like this.

All we know is that things are better than they ever were.

patches of you

Your lives have become mine

Your lives, they have become mine

Run up and down my spine

On my face, above my eyes

 

I love you like a child

My darlings, I love you like a child

But there are days I’m feeling vile

And I can’t explain to others why

 

Then patches of you come out of my life

Leaving behind spots of desert all white

And you fall to the floor

 

I look in the mirror and I see what I’ve done

I have to start over to love anyone

As you fell to the floor

I wish I could say no more

 

You belong where you are

My darlings, you belong where you are

But there are days where I can’t see

Why you must lay there easily

 

I grab you with my hands

And throw you out from there

And I see broken pieces of you

To remind me of the fact that I should care

 

Patches of you coming out of my life

Leaving behind spots of desert all white

As you fall to the floor

 

I look in the mirror and I see what I’ve done

I have to start over to love anyone

As you return to life

I only say, it’ll soon be all right

 

Soon be all right, be all right

floor as gray as the clouds outside

yellow doors we share

our backs are turned toward the wall

and off into space we go and stare

we hear the beat of claps and drums

and walls being thumped with palms held tight

you never hear this during the day

the sound is only heard at night

and if you go look closely

you see people sitting there

with voices raised for better days

even if words don’t bring straight As

the soul that comes from songbirds

is all that one can ever hope

so, lela and ana, play a song

maybe one that we might know

metsa

the top of the tree line is like a seismic wave

shaking humanity with its great amplitude

steps like fence breakers, going across the grain

there you are, standing across from me with a silent vow to keep

you and I walk home that night, and not sure what to think

we’re lonely and we’re hopeful that is true

in this night, there’s not much else to do

there you are, standing across from me with a silent vow to keep

you and I connect that night, if only for a scene

not in our right minds, but hopeful that is true

in this night, could I get close to you

take three steps and think of new thoughts

take four steps and never feel distraught

take five steps and i’m closer to doing

what i should not, what i should not

six steps, six steps, thinking of treason

seven steps, seven steps, crossing the line

take eight steps, no going back, doing

what i should not, what i should not,

what i should not even do

there you are, standing across from me with a silent vow to keep

you and I walk home that night, and not sure what to think

we’re lonely and we’re hopeful that is true

in this night, there’s not much else to do

there you are, standing across from me with a silent vow to keep

take the stairs to make it go slower and milk the time to seek

we’re alone and we’re hopeful, it is true

in this night, i admit that i want you

nine steps, nine steps, you take my hand

ten steps, ten steps, then our lips touch

eleven steps go on, the die’s cast

and twelve steps nail it shut

thirteen’s an unlucky number to

touch your head with mine

as we walk that fourteenth step

i know you like me 

but it’s beyond our time

last saturday, heave away

last saturday, heave away

coffee, sweat and village band 

sun bakes flowers on the land

last saturday, heave away

anarchy in books I read

hope rises not in chaos bred

last saturday, heavy away

eighty-two it reads outside

making sweet the morning ride

last saturday, heave away

hot to touch and warm the drive

yet in spirit and in body

i cannot feel more alive

ksenia

Left her behind in your youthful time

Fallen ill before confessing and suddenly died

She feared for his soul and left the cities behind

When Ksenia came back, she became a new kind

 

Ksenia, Ksenia, she became a fool-for-You

Ksenia, Ksenia, she knew exactly what you wanted her to do

 

She took his jacket and gave her money away

She did things for his soul and they called her his name

She wandered the city, all she did was pray

She gave her life up so that he could stay

 

Ksenia, Ksenia, she became a fool-for-You

Ksenia, Ksenia, she knew exactly what You wanted her to do

Walking in snowfall without any shoes

 

She could tell if you were speaking the truth

Put the bricks up in a church without any excuse

The hardest part of labor was all done through

This fool-for-God, it was all she could do

 

Saint Ksenia, Ksenia, she became a fool-for-You

Ksenia, Ksenia, she knew exactly what You wanted her to do

Saint Ksenia, Ksenia, she became a fool-for-You

Ksenia, Ksenia, she knew exactly what You wanted her to do

Walking in snowfall without any shoes

An example of walking in truth

watching clips of conflicts old

i see a story to unfold

the creases of the papers keep

the facing sides to make ends meet

one side, it longs to live it up

and drink vodka from a plastic cup

and never lower any tone

while in a group, never alone

and party like no other would

while children only wish they could

but immortality runs high

until here comes the other side

side two stands firm to end the night

the party’s over, falcon cries

with notebook handy to give fines

for stepping in between the lines

and arguments in broken speak

cause comments snide to go and leak

and tension ever runs so round

to keep from paying 50 crowns

one side just wants to party hard

and get school credit from afar

the other side just does the job

he’s given, it’s not really odd

one side thinks falcon is a prat

yet seems to cause the little spats

sometimes forgetting others in

the state of drunkeness worn thin

i once was part of that wild crew

i scratch my head for thoughts anew

why did I say “you fascist you”

to someone who, to his work, is true?

i had it coming, i’ll admit

a little snot and full of sh$t

but when I saw the tsar Roman

I left the party quick and ran….

letter never sent

i’ll send my love in a letter

that you will never read

i’ll send my hopes in a letter

that’ll never cross the sea

i’ll put my trust in all things

that together make us two

even if you don’t love me back

it’s better to talk it through

 

i should have said in person

what I had to say to you

but my fear it failed me

and knocked out times opportune

when being out in city streets

in cities of good minds

i fell in love and rose above

the disappearing times

the first time i met you

you told me i spoke well

you and i connected then

and lived to tell the tale

of times we met for talking

and times we met to be

together singing swingsongs

of the quiet baltic sea

i’ll send my love in a letter

that you will never read

i’ll send my hopes in a letter

that’ll never cross the sea

i’ll put my trust in all things

that together make us two

even if you don’t love me back

it’s better to talk it through

 

i never had to hide myself

from anything at all

i never once felt cornered

with my back against the wall

you believed in me and I in you

and told me what I need

you brought me to inner hope

and said that you miss me

i’ll send my love in a letter

that you will never read

i’ll send my hopes in a letter

that’ll never cross the sea

i’ll put my trust in all things

that together make us two

even if you don’t love me back

it’s better to talk it through

 

you’re beautiful, your eyes live on

they look at what is true

that suda screams sincerity

and I can see that too

i don’t mind you can see above

my tiny little self

standing tall means hard to fall

and i can see that well

i’ll send my love in a letter

that you will never read

i’ll send my hopes in a letter

that’ll never cross the sea

i’ll put my trust in all things

that together make us two

even if you don’t love me back

it’s better to talk it through

 

i wish i could see you

i wish i could see you again

i would be honest

and tell you all I can

i’ll send my love in a letter

that you will never read

i’ll send my hopes in a letter

that’ll never cross the sea

i’ll put my trust in all things

that together make us two

even if you don’t love me back

it’s better to talk it through

 

don’t be afraid to tell me

don’t be afraid