theosis lesson 1: a sauna in Saaremaa

That morning, we sort of randomly arose as we pleased, the faint traces of smoke from the fire looming over our tiny cabins in the middle of nowhere.

10 or so, I think. Starting to fade out a bit, y’know.

I was an idiot for never wearing pants, haha; American with your shorts, may the critters bring you imported encephalitis! I scratched, slapped and fought ‘em- eventually they had mercy on me and my fake camoflauge shorts. Never again.

We let the sauna heat up as we stripped naked, going starkers in the morning sun. The guys drank a Saku  and I probably sipped some instant coffee as we heard the rustling of a wedding party getting ready in the distance.

I’m a bit bigger than everyone else, but no one says anything. I feel good, I felt comfy with that towel around me.

Sauna, ten minutes. Beer, two. Sauna, ten, air, five, beer, two. Et cetera.

I never stare.

In that heat, all you can do is simply look down and let it all evade you like a forgotten memory, almost gone but needing a little push.

I felt like all my tangible fears left that day.

I felt like it was the first step in attaining theosis, a term I would learn about two years later.

I had myself without a desire to sin and with a desire to be a man- a good, conscious, caring man.

If only a little bit sweaty in the morning, heh.

Oh, yeah.

Naky too.

ex-mural

Coming outside and watching the scene, we see this old mural on a wall.

It screams history like a banshee and tells of its former glory days.

Its paint peels like sun-dried skin, half-fallen, half-hanging on.

Soila, d’you know Russian? What’s it say?

She says, something by Lenin,

buried under a giant sea,

buried under a giant sea,

buried under a giant sea,

buried under a giant pea.

 

The soldier looks mighty yet invisible.

Maybe ‘cos we can’t picture his robotic soul ever being in such a beautiful place like this.

All we know is that things are better than they ever were.

patches of you

Your lives have become mine

Your lives, they have become mine

Run up and down my spine

On my face, above my eyes

 

I love you like a child

My darlings, I love you like a child

But there are days I’m feeling vile

And I can’t explain to others why

 

Then patches of you come out of my life

Leaving behind spots of desert all white

And you fall to the floor

 

I look in the mirror and I see what I’ve done

I have to start over to love anyone

As you fell to the floor

I wish I could say no more

 

You belong where you are

My darlings, you belong where you are

But there are days where I can’t see

Why you must lay there easily

 

I grab you with my hands

And throw you out from there

And I see broken pieces of you

To remind me of the fact that I should care

 

Patches of you coming out of my life

Leaving behind spots of desert all white

As you fall to the floor

 

I look in the mirror and I see what I’ve done

I have to start over to love anyone

As you return to life

I only say, it’ll soon be all right

 

Soon be all right, be all right

floor as gray as the clouds outside

yellow doors we share

our backs are turned toward the wall

and off into space we go and stare

we hear the beat of claps and drums

and walls being thumped with palms held tight

you never hear this during the day

the sound is only heard at night

and if you go look closely

you see people sitting there

with voices raised for better days

even if words don’t bring straight As

the soul that comes from songbirds

is all that one can ever hope

so, lela and ana, play a song

maybe one that we might know

metsa

the top of the tree line is like a seismic wave

shaking humanity with its great amplitude

steps like fence breakers, going across the grain

there you are, standing across from me with a silent vow to keep

you and I walk home that night, and not sure what to think

we’re lonely and we’re hopeful that is true

in this night, there’s not much else to do

there you are, standing across from me with a silent vow to keep

you and I connect that night, if only for a scene

not in our right minds, but hopeful that is true

in this night, could I get close to you

take three steps and think of new thoughts

take four steps and never feel distraught

take five steps and i’m closer to doing

what i should not, what i should not

six steps, six steps, thinking of treason

seven steps, seven steps, crossing the line

take eight steps, no going back, doing

what i should not, what i should not,

what i should not even do

there you are, standing across from me with a silent vow to keep

you and I walk home that night, and not sure what to think

we’re lonely and we’re hopeful that is true

in this night, there’s not much else to do

there you are, standing across from me with a silent vow to keep

take the stairs to make it go slower and milk the time to seek

we’re alone and we’re hopeful, it is true

in this night, i admit that i want you

nine steps, nine steps, you take my hand

ten steps, ten steps, then our lips touch

eleven steps go on, the die’s cast

and twelve steps nail it shut

thirteen’s an unlucky number to

touch your head with mine

as we walk that fourteenth step

i know you like me 

but it’s beyond our time

last saturday, heave away

last saturday, heave away

coffee, sweat and village band 

sun bakes flowers on the land

last saturday, heave away

anarchy in books I read

hope rises not in chaos bred

last saturday, heavy away

eighty-two it reads outside

making sweet the morning ride

last saturday, heave away

hot to touch and warm the drive

yet in spirit and in body

i cannot feel more alive